5 Steps to Talk About Difficult Things With Our Kids
Photo by Benjamin Manley on Unsplash
Our parental instincts drive us to protect our children from danger or pain. Sometimes this comes in the form of physical protection, such as pulling your child back from a car that’s driving too fast down the street, or emotional pain, like finding out a grandparent has a terminal illness.
When the pandemic hit in 2020, parents were struck with an enormous burden to protect their children, not only from getting ill, but from the multiple layers of impact it would make on our way of life.
As current events roll in and weigh heavily on the forefront of our minds, how do parents explain war to a 5 year old? Or do you, at all?
It’s completely understandable that parents would want to shelter their kids from what’s happening with current events in our world. However, if we’ve noticed anything through this pandemic, it’s that kids can sense when something is off at home. They notice our body language, our emotions, and tensions or stress we carry as parents. Children themselves are keen to hear news through social media, while mom and dad are listening to the news or from friends at school. This is why parents need to be the first point of contact or source of information for their kids.
When difficult situations arise, like job loss, illness, death in the family, or current events create waves in society, our children need to know they are safe and that mom, dad, or their caregiver is going to be ok.
Hard conversations are by nature difficult to have, and part of that difficulty is how to approach them with your children. We are by no means experts, and we acknowledge that every family is different, so please follow your gut instincts as parents. But if you’re looking for some guidance and just aren’t sure of the right words to say when it comes to hard conversations with your kids, we’ve looked to some experts for their advice and compiled a few points that we found helpful.
5 Steps to Talk About Difficult Things With Our Kids
1. Pick the right time
Hard conversations are best when you set aside time in a calm environment. It’s best to have ample time and flexibility where your child can hear what you’re saying and ask questions and process.
For teenagers, sometimes a quiet car ride is a safe space for them to listen and process without having to be face-to-face. For younger kids, you may want to sit them down at the dinner table or somewhere that’s not neutral and not distracting.
It’s important to be calm when you talk to your child. You may be struggling with grief because of the loss of a loved one or fear because of tragic news in the media. Take a moment to yourself before you talk to your children. Some things don’t need to be said right away, and we as adults need to evaluate what is best for our kids.
2. Be honest & to the point
A lot of advice from experts (and parents) who work with children is to give a brief and concise statement about the facts.
Your pet dog died:
“Max was feeling sick so we took him to the Vet’s hospital. The Vet checked his body and said he had a sickness that medicine could not cure. They said Max was old and gave us an option to put him down peacefully so it wouldn’t hurt. Dad and I talked about it and we felt peace about letting Max rest. You might have seen us looking sad recently and it’s because we miss Max, but we know he lived a happy life with our family.”
This example shows the facts of what happened to Max and how mom and dad chose to put him down. It also conveys how mom and dad are feeling, but to assure the child that Max had a happy life and it’s ok to feel sad that he’s gone.
Talking to kids about Ukraine:
“Russia has invaded Ukraine, and as with any war, people will be hurt and killed. That’s why you’re seeing so many grown-ups who are so sad. You are safe, we are safe, but we care about the experience of people even when they are far away.”
*example from Aliza Pressman, Raising Good Humans
Depending on the situation, reassure your child that they are safe and it’s ok to feel different emotions.
3. Pause and listen
Children need room to process and let new information sit. Sometimes the news you present is very brief, but the follow-up and questions that come afterwards is long. Every child is different and some may come at you with a million questions, while others may just want to move on with their day.
It may be uncomfortable to sit in silence, but giving the opportunity for kids to let the information sink in allows them to better digest what you’ve said.
Some children may feel emotional, some may not, and that’s ok. Depending on the information, children may take more time processing their thoughts and feelings and sometimes they just may never have an emotional reaction.
The important thing is that you as a parent have provided them with accurate, honest information so that your child may process in their own time and way.
4. Give age-appropriate answers
Depending on the age of your child, make sure to answer their questions in a manner that is most appropriate for their age. Younger preschool aged children will need more modification to your vocabulary, while older school aged children may be more curious and want to understand the truth better. Teenagers may have their own opinions on the matter and want to be heard.
A good rule of thumb is to provide brief, to the point, factual answers. Resist the temptation to over divulge your kids with information and or lengthy explanations. These initial conversations should be about allowing them time to process, so giving them clear and concise responses.
It’s ok to acknowledge that some things are hard to explain. If you are unable to answer your child’s question, let them know and tell them you don’t have an answer right now, but you will think about it and see if you can get back to them at a later point in time.
This is where we can acknowledge that some things will take more than one conversation. Be open to discussing with your kids further down the line–sometimes when you least expect a question to come up. Kids will be critically thinking, processing and dissecting information on their own timeline, so be prepared for ongoing discussions.
5. Reassure & pray
Reassurance and telling your children they are safe gives them more comfort when delivering difficult news. As parents we want to protect our children, but sometimes omitting the truth or the facts can be hurtful in the end. We need to discern the right moment to share information to them and be ready to reassure to them that you will keep them safe. Remember that your kids are watching you and how you react to situations. They gauge and assess how mom and dad are doing to help them determine and process their own feelings. Modeling your humanity and your reliance on the gospel helps your children see how they too can trust in the Lord in times of doubt or fear.
Pray with your children and offer up any worries, fears, or doubts they may have (or you for that matter). God’s word says, “Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you.” Psalm 55:22. Praying with your children is a powerful tool to have in your tool belt. Remember that we have a God who is all-knowing, everywhere, and all-powerful. Bring your burdens and worries before Him in prayer and trust that He will take care of you and your kids.
You might also like:
Teaching Big Truths to Little Minds
3 Social Emotional Learning Practices to Use at Home Everyday
other sources: https://emilyoster.substack.com/p/talking-about-hard-things-with-kids?s=r
